I saw this photo/quote combo today on one of my friend's Facebook updates and had these weird mixed feelings about it. I wanted to "like" it, but I was feeling this sort of "wah wah wah" (like the noise at the end of a bad joke ... not sure how to type it) feeling and thought I'd write a blog post instead of liking a status that was making me feel weird. I really, really wanted to like it, you know? It's such a nice thought ... that if we just open our hearts, everything that we'd ever hoped and dreamed about will just come rushing in. Meh - I've decided that this idea is a load of bull crap.
Like today for instance. I'm seriously opening my heart so big to getting my period (aka AF) asap (was due yesterday), but for whatever reason, my body is delaying itself. Bob was funny yesterday - he asked if I can just "hold it" like I can hold it when I have to go pee. This cracked me up - if only. But really - I have been fortunate over the past few years to be regular like clockwork, getting AF on Fridays. For people like me, i.e. those with endo, this is a godsend, b/c it means that I can either take the day off if I need to (b/c of the pain) right before the weekend on slower Fridays or tough it out and have the weekend to chillax. Here I am, Saturday morning, and AF is just taking her sweet ass time to get here. I know what you're thinking - that I might be pregnant. No, I'm not. I'm just late. I know this because I took a digital pregnancy test this morning and the two unmistakable little letters "N" and "O" showed up, with a negative sign beside them.
Another instance of opening my heart and having capacity and nothing is happening: I have opened my heart whole-heartedly to Bob cleaning up the back yard so that we can start getting ready for the summer solstice party we're having in 2 weeks. We have like 20 garbage bags back there from when he shingled the garage roof. Don't get me wrong, I'm super thankful that he shingled the roof (it looks great). But I really want a cozy back yard scene and really, 20 black garbage bags back there is killing the mood. Just sayin'.
And when it comes to infertility, let's face it. Our hearts are open. WIDE open. Ready. Waiting. We have capacity!!! Bob and I have structured our lives around this monumental event. We have good jobs. We have a house with extra space for little kiddies. We have nieces and nephews waiting to play with our babies. We've got extra time. We've travelled, we've saved money, we've settled down. We've relaxed. We've taken the hormones and the fistfuls of vitamins. We've prayed and we've let it go. We are as ready as we're ever gonna be.
Which leads me to say that my friend's uploaded picture is misguided. And it makes me feel better to say it's a load of horse shit. I know this post is coming off bitter, but really I'm not. It's just that I felt I needed to say something about it and didn't think Facebook was the appropriate medium for venting about my friend's innocent (but highly annoying) picture. And I'm PMS'ing. You know how it goes.
There - I feel better. Thanks friends! :)
Listening to: F**k You - Cee Lo Green (this is NOT representative of my feelings, I just love this song!!!)
Yeah, I think there is something to be said for staying open...but it doesn't always mean the things we want will come flooding in. That would be amazing, but I am sure that is the way life works.
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing so well. Just hang in there and AF will show. You can scold her when she shows up late!
I agree, this photo/quote is not great for everyday inspiration. The reality is, you are being open in every possible way without going overboard. I think that's healthy.
ReplyDeleteI actually have a slightly different take on this photo/quote. To me, it's a reminder for why a leap of faith can work. This generally doesn't apply to everyday life. It applies to the scary moments; the moments of uncertainty.
Hope AF finds you soon.
I hear ya. My heart is wide open as well but each month it's the same disappointment. There are some things that are just out of our control, no matter how much we wish and hope for them to happen. I love Bob's comment about "holding it" - haha, I wish!
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