I feel like I have a bit of breathing room for a couple days here. Life has been crazy these past couple weeks - actually this past whole month - and I feel like it's taken its toll on my emotional well being. But finally I get some time off - it is, after all, Canada Day long weekend!
So although I have nothing new to report today, I just felt the need to write. Not about anything in particular, just to let out an emotional sigh of relief. To kind of let things out that have been weighing on me. I'm not even quite sure what these things are, but I felt like you will understand.
Work has been crazy this past month. I've worked much more than I would like to admit, but I made it through. I'm not going to say I made it through with flying colours, mind you, but nonetheless, I'm here, I met most of my deadlines (some with shaky results, but hey, I'm only human) and I don't think Bob and I even had one fight. Pretty remarkable.
So now with some breathing room, I'm looking at myself wondering all sorts of things - like why this whole baby thing means so damn much to me and if I'm ever going to be a mom. And you know what? Tonight I'm just telling myself to ease up. To back off a bit and give myself some space. To stop freaking worrying for one second and just let go. To give myself a break and allow some positive thinking in for once. To stop thinking of every single thing that could go wrong in this process and how I'm going to feel in each bad scenario and for tonight, just exist.
At work, one of my roles is student coordinator. I have developed a program for our regional offices to help students getting ready to write the UFE (their CA exam), which I've based on mentorship and support and focusing on weaknesses and turning them into strengths. I listen to myself give the most fantastic advice to students and mentors all day. I love this side of me - so confident and optimistic and full of hope and certainty that everyone is going to be successful. Over the past few weeks, I have let a few of the students know that I am facing infertility and am about to go through IVF. These same students know me really well and, when I tell them about what I'm facing, I crumble. The confident version of me just seems to vanish and I'm left with the version of me that lacks any sparkle and is just so so vulnerable.
This side of me is new to the people at work, but it's not a version that is new to myself. This is the "me" that I know way too well, and although I know that it's just part of who I am (which I accept), I really wish this version would not show her face as much as she has been lately.
I want to stop being anxious and start feeling free. I want to stop thinking a baby will define me and my relationship with the world. I am not 100% sure how this "stopping" happens. Infertility is seriously the most permeating condition - it follows me wherever I go and I have a hard time shaking it.
I read the most amazing thing yesterday on Mel's blog - that a new study has shown that stress and anxiety do not cause infertility, but that infertility definitely causes stress and anxiety. This made me feel so much better when I read this. Like it's ok to be anxious and that I have a reason for it. But that doesn't make it any better. I really would like the never ending "will I ever be a mom?" thoughts to just go away. And just accept and understand that yes! Of course I will be a mom someday!
I was talking to Bob this week about the whole adoption thing, with one of my key concerns being, "What if a birth mom would never pick us?" He looked at me in shock and exasperation - saying that life would never be that cruel to not let me have my own biological baby AND to never be selected to adopt. I guess there is truth to that. It just makes me wonder why it's so damn important to me that I become a mom? Why I have this innate and obsessive desire to fulfill this role in my life? Is it biology? Psychology? Because right now it's something that is out of my reach and so I want it so badly? Honestly, it doesn't seem to make a lot of sense... I have a good relationship with my husband, a good family, good friends, a good job, a great life! Why isn't this enough? When will it be enough?
For tonight, I have Circle and Bloom to stop the things racing through my head. And my bed and a weekend full of no plans ahead of me to really just sink in to life and accept it. To be positive and find joy in the moment. To stop worrying about what the future holds. To really stop being afraid.
Listening to: The Supremes - Stop in the Name of Love
I need to print out that image, glue it to a little wire that's attached to my forehead so it hangs in front of my face all day. Seriously!
ReplyDeleteWhy isn't it enough? I've chided myself in the same fashion. I'm very fortunate in a lot of ways. But I am not complete yet. There is a giant empty hole. There is something profoundly missing and I am reminded of that each and every day as I watch the world happen around me.
ReplyDeleteI think we all ask ourselves these questions and at some point we forget why we wanted all this. It becomes one track. I have thought many times about stopping and focusing the rest of my life on my own happiness and fulfillment. Then when I picture the family gatherings in 10 years with us still on our own, it makes me sad. So I think, yes, it is biological in many ways that some of us at some point feel the intense need to live on through our children and create our own 'permanant' relationships.
ReplyDeleteI think you are working through this in a very productive way. Live your life, while still working toward your goal. If you need a break, take it.
As women we are born and raised to believe that one day we will be mothers. Society tells us this and our own biological clock reminds us of it. However, I know there are also women out there who really sincerely do not ever want to be a mother. There are some days that I fervently wish I could be one of those women. It would be so freeing to never think about my biological shortcomings ever again, to just live my life and savor my present state of being. But that's not who I am. I am a woman with maternal instincts and I truly hope I can some day put them to use. It's so very frustrating but I think it will just make us better moms in the future. I agree with Bob, the universe couldn't be so cruel as to deny you both a biological AND adopted child.
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