Gaining

Hi peeps! Not sure if anyone is still around, considering it's been almost 2 months since my last post. But, I miss writing to/for friends and so ... I'm back. :)

Things are moving along on the adoption front... slowly, but surely. Our dear birthparent letter was submitted and we have paid $2,500 for the home study. I'm anticipating that the home study will start at some point in January or February, which a couple months ago seemed like an eternity, but with life going on around me, it's really not that much longer to wait.

I feel like I've changed a little bit in the past few months. Gaining patience. Gaining optimism. Gaining assurance that our baby is coming, we just don't know when. It could be a few months, it could be a year or two, but he/she is coming. Both Bob and I have unconsciously started referring to baby's arrival as "when" baby comes with confidence, and this feels good. It feels like we are finally in control of this.

We have started referring to our spare bedroom as "baby's room." Wow. Big step for us. We are in the process of picking out blinds for our house and yesterday we contemplated the colour and style we want for our baby. We agreed that we'd like to have the baby room renos in progress when the home study starts so that the social worker sees that we are ready in the event that we get a call for an instant placement. So, plans are underway, including a paint job and a head start on furniture. Holy smokes.

Lots of good is coming out of moving towards adoption. After 10 years of trying to conceive, it feels really great to let this part of our relationship go and focus on us as a successful, loving couple, rather than us the failing, broken hearted couple who can't have a baby. Every month I still get my period of course (contrary to what most people think, putting our adoption plan in motion has not made me more fertile... shocker!), and although it is still very painful for my body, I have been able to let go of the emotional turmoil and monthly depression that came with getting my period. No longer do I feel like a failure when I get my period b/c we are no longer trying to conceive. And I think that was one of worst parts of it all - trying so hard and never attaining our goal.

We have time off this holiday season to rest and relax, which is amazing. It feels good to reconnect with my home body self - sleeping in, cooking, spending time with family, organizing our home ... Although the adoption process is definitely one that requires a lot of patience as it is looonnnngggggg, I'm actually thankful for the waiting period. It's giving me time to mentally prepare and get ready. We are having a baby.

Listening to: Lovers - Boxer (LOVE this song!)