Monday, December 31, 2012
Moving Forward in Moderation
Looking back at 2012, it's hard to deny that this past year was a biggie for Bob and I ... the first year in our new house, job changes for both of us, the start and end of fertility treatments and finally embarking on our journey to open adoption. It's been a year of change, growth, reflection and decisions. I'm glad all years aren't like this past one - shifting is good, contemplating is good, decision making is good. But it's all very hard. And for this reason alone, I'm looking forward to putting 2012 behind us.
I'm not sure if 2013 will be the year that we bring a baby home, but for now I'm not stressing about it. What I'm more concerned about for 2013 is getting to a state of being where we are ready to bring a baby home. A state of being where I am at peace, Bob is at peace, our home is ready for a baby and our lives are ready for this pretty awesome parenting ride that we're signing up for.
My new year's resolution is to be healthy in body and mind. Bob laughed yesterday when I told him that I aim to be healthy ... but ... in moderation (I'm kinda lazy when it comes to things like working out, for example). But I am serious about this moderation thing... I don't want to get all health nutty and hyped up about carb consumption and BMI and cardio this and that, which for me means potentially jeopardizing a healthy state of mind (which I have been working so hard to achieve) just for the sake of 5 lbs. So my resolution is to commit to healthy life choices and, more importantly, healthy thoughts. I think this is what is going to best prepare me for the year ahead and the years to come.
Now that we've stopped trying to conceive, I am certain that we are going to bring a baby home. Funny how that works, but now that I've shelved any ideas of conceiving a child and putting my mind and body through the challenges of fertility treatments, I've been able to move past the thought of getting pregnant and focus on what is the more important goal - becoming a mother.
In 2012 I came to terms with letting go of the hope of getting pregnant, of conceiving a child that was 50% my genes, 50% Bob's genes. I gave up on the dream of watching a mini-biological me grow up. This was hard, I'm not going to lie. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. I grieved, for sure. I cried, denied, got angry for all the things that couldn't be. But through that process I was able to accept my life for what it is and open my heart to what is to be. By giving up on one dream, I opened my heart to another - adoption.
As the last day of 2012, today is a happy day, but it's a sad day as well. For all of us still waiting for our children, the best is yet to come. But let's not forget that for many of us, today marks the end of yet another year where our hearts and homes feel empty. All we can do is hope that these feelings of emptiness will soon be relieved with the happy news that a baby is about to enter our lives. For some of us, 2013 will be the ticket. For some of us, 2013 will serve as a greater test to our patience, our strength of character and our ability to hold on and let go at the same time.
I wish for all of us that 2013 will be easier than 2012. That our growing pains have not been in vain, but that they have afforded us the ability to smile in the face of adversity. Baby or no baby in 2013, I know that I will need strength and will be calling on the experiences I had as part of 2012's growing pains to keep me standing tall.
Wishing us all the best in 2013. Cheers to being healthy in body and mind ... in moderation, of course. :)
Listening to: Grace Potter and the Nocturnals - Medicine