Let. It. Go.

I am waging a battle against myself today. As of right now. Why? Because I have spent the whole morning obsessing. Being mad at my body. Googling (believe me - google is an infertile's worst enemy). And where has all of this lead me? Despair, depression and darkness. And on such a beautiful sunny day too. Sheesh - what a waste.

The battle that I'm waging with myself is for my mind to shut the eff up. Like seriously. I get it. I don't have a baby. I wish I did. I'm 32, I have endo, my FSH levels suck, we've been TTC for a long ass time, there a multiple roadblocks ahead of us, the road is difficult and it's all a pain in the ass. Point taken.

But come on now, brain. At some point you've gotta end this pointless thought loop. You've spent the whole freaking morning thinking about all the possible could-go-wrong scenarios. Playing the meaningless advice people are giving you that, despite their best intentions, is hurtful and annoying. Let. It. Go. For the love of God (and peace and quiet!) - let it go.

I don't know why I am so annoyed today. Oh sure, I've got some pretty good ideas of why I'm plodding along the path of annoyed-ness (which I'm not going to get into, because once I start I am pretty sure I won't be able to stop ... fucckkkkk is all I'm going to say about that!). K, gotta say that again. Fuccckkkkkkkk!!!!! (There, I feel better.)

Anyway, back to my point. Sure this whole infertility thing sucks. Sure I wish it wasn't ME that was facing it. But at some point, I just have to kick the madness to the curb and save it for a rainy day. Because, as I am finding out today, sunny days are not the days to mull over all this shit.

So - my commitment to myself for the afternoon is this. I've let myself mope and mull for the morning, but the afternoon belongs to the sunny side of me. It belongs to the part of me that smiles and laughs and feels good about myself and my body. That loves life and sunshine and flowers and bike rides and walking my dog. I will not let the mopey side of me take the happy side of me down. No sirree. That part of me is going down with a swift dropkick to the gut.

There. With that all out of the way, I'm going to have a shower, put on some shorts and do some happy things. Moonie wants a walk, my dirty clothes want a washing and my floor wants a sweeping. My plants want water and my rotten bananas want to be turned into muffins. Sad Me - you are dead to me this afternoon. Letting go.

Listening to: Amelia Curran - You Won't Find Me (love this song!)

Stop Being Afraid

I feel like I have a bit of breathing room for a couple days here. Life has been crazy these past couple weeks - actually this past whole month - and I feel like it's taken its toll on my emotional well being. But finally I get some time off - it is, after all, Canada Day long weekend!

So although I have nothing new to report today, I just felt the need to write. Not about anything in particular, just to let out an emotional sigh of relief. To kind of let things out that have been weighing on me. I'm not even quite sure what these things are, but I felt like you will understand.

Work has been crazy this past month. I've worked much more than I would like to admit, but I made it through. I'm not going to say I made it through with flying colours, mind you, but nonetheless, I'm here, I met most of my deadlines (some with shaky results, but hey, I'm only human) and I don't think Bob and I even had one fight. Pretty remarkable.

So now with some breathing room, I'm looking at myself wondering all sorts of things - like why this whole baby thing means so damn much to me and if I'm ever going to be a mom. And you know what? Tonight I'm just telling myself to ease up. To back off a bit and give myself some space. To stop freaking worrying for one second and just let go. To give myself a break and allow some positive thinking in for once. To stop thinking of every single thing that could go wrong in this process and how I'm going to feel in each bad scenario and for tonight, just exist.

At work, one of my roles is student coordinator. I have developed a program for our regional offices to help students getting ready to write the UFE (their CA exam), which I've based on mentorship and support and focusing on weaknesses and turning them into strengths. I listen to myself give the most fantastic advice to students and mentors all day. I love this side of me - so confident and optimistic and full of hope and certainty that everyone is going to be successful. Over the past few weeks, I have let a few of the students know that I am facing infertility and am about to go through IVF. These same students know me really well and, when I tell them about what I'm facing, I crumble. The confident version of me just seems to vanish and I'm left with the version of me that lacks any sparkle and is just so so vulnerable.

This side of me is new to the people at work, but it's not a version that is new to myself. This is the "me" that I know way too well, and although I know that it's just part of who I am (which I accept), I really wish this version would not show her face as much as she has been lately.

I want to stop being anxious and start feeling free. I want to stop thinking a baby will define me and my relationship with the world. I am not 100% sure how this "stopping" happens. Infertility is seriously the most permeating condition - it follows me wherever I go and I have a hard time shaking it.

I read the most amazing thing yesterday on Mel's blog - that a new study has shown that stress and anxiety do not cause infertility, but that infertility definitely causes stress and anxiety. This made me feel so much better when I read this. Like it's ok to be anxious and that I have a reason for it. But that doesn't make it any better. I really would like the never ending "will I ever be a mom?" thoughts to just go away. And just accept and understand that yes! Of course I will be a mom someday!

I was talking to Bob this week about the whole adoption thing, with one of my key concerns being, "What if a birth mom would never pick us?" He looked at me in shock and exasperation - saying that life would never be that cruel to not let me have my own biological baby AND to never be selected to adopt. I guess there is truth to that. It just makes me wonder why it's so damn important to me that I become a mom? Why I have this innate and obsessive desire to fulfill this role in my life? Is it biology? Psychology? Because right now it's something that is out of my reach and so I want it so badly? Honestly, it doesn't seem to make a lot of sense... I have a good relationship with my husband, a good family, good friends, a good job, a great life! Why isn't this enough? When will it be enough?

For tonight, I have Circle and Bloom to stop the things racing through my head. And my bed and a weekend full of no plans ahead of me to really just sink in to life and accept it. To be positive and find joy in the moment. To stop worrying about what the future holds. To really stop being afraid.

Listening to: The Supremes - Stop in the Name of Love

Change of Heart

Today was a weird day. Well actually, let's roll back a day to yesterday, which was also a weird day. I came home from work yesterday evening, as usual, and went to our bedroom to get changed out of my work clothes and into something more comfortable. Bob followed me in and sat down on the edge of the bed, obviously with something weighty on his mind that he needed to set free. I sat down next to him and asked him what was up. He told me he wanted to adopt. That this was his preferred option. This totally blew my mind.

As a lot of you know, Bob and I have been TTC for 8 years. We always suspected that we'd get to the adoption vs. IVF discussion at some point, when things were financially stable and we were full out 100% ready for a family. Throughout the years, we've always leaned towards adoption, with the mindset that there are children out there who want a mommy and daddy as badly as we want little kiddies. But when we met with our doctor after our failed IUI several months ago where we learned about my aging eggs, Dr. Tataryn indicated that we had to do IVF now or our chances for biological children were quickly slipping away. This escalated the adoption vs. IVF discussion in our household, which concluded with Bob firmly saying that now is our only shot to have biological children, so it's important that we give it our all now. All this with the commitment to working through this process with the fewest regrets in mind.

So when Bob told me last night he wanted to adopt, I was shocked. I was thrilled. I was relieved. I was uncertain. I felt that the pressure was off. I felt liberated. I celebrated barefoot in the garden, drinking one too many beer and yakking with my best girlfriend on the phone. It was awesome. Bob was proud and I could see a huge weight lifted off his shoulders.

When I woke up this morning, things shifted for me. I moved through the day very very slowly. Very sadly. Very mindfully. I thought about so many things. I thought about how sad I really am about all of this. That no matter what, there are no guarantees. That no matter what path I choose, the outcome is uncertain. With IVF, there are no guarantees that this will work, that we will have a baby at the end of the journey, at the end of the medical madness. But the same goes with adoption. There are no guarantees that we will ever be selected by a birth mom to raise her baby.

Everything seemed so so sad. So sad that all I want is a baby and this simple thing eludes me. That this is clearly taking its toll on Bob. That we feel a little empty. That we have no idea how our relationship will stand up to potential future loss through IVF. That with adoption, I am in some way wishing misfortune on someone else so I can benefit.

Deep breath. It's been tough. It continues to be tough.

I left work early today because I couldn't concentrate. My thoughts were all wrapped up in sadness and reflection. When I got home, Bob held me and I cried.

But what I realized is this. I am so happy that Bob is on board with adoption. I was feeling that this was always a second rate option for him and that he was hesitant to accept this as good enough for us. I now know that he is committed to it and that, if this is what we decide, he will welcome an adopted baby into our family. This makes me feel good.

What I also realized is this. I am not ready to give up on IVF yet. And this is coming from within me now, which I'm surprised about. I may change my mind tomorrow, but for tonight, I feel a growing sense inside of me that I want to give this a shot. For me. Not for Bob. Not for my family. But for me. This realization, although striking and scary and shaky, feels good.

When I asked Bob about the change of heart, he told me that he's been mulling it over for the past week but that he wasn't ready to let me in quite yet. He admitted that IVF is scary for him - scary because he knows how scared I am, because he knows it might not work and because of the very real risks that IVF poses. I share all of my blogger friends' stories with him and we can relate as a couple to how awful this can be for each and every one of us. We have grieved for M&A with Miss Conception. We have shared in Cristy's sadness over her final unsuccessful IVF. We have mourned with Crystal when she planted her tree for her lost babies.

This is not an easy process my friends. For any of us. I am forever grateful that I have you all in my life to help me work through all of the crap.

Listening to: Willie Nelson - Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain

I'm OK :)

So AF arrived, and honestly, it feels good. Well, maybe my sense of "good" is warped (considering the stabbing back pain, spasmic contractions and the tightness all over my body - thanks endo), but it feels good to be done with that last cycle and moving forward with the next. And I'm doing fine, honestly. I know my real-life friends and family have been worried that I'm really down in the dumps, but honestly, I'm ok. I'm still the same me - maybe just a more honest version about this side of things! All of this is hard on me, yes - but keep in mind that I'm a trooper and I have been facing (and dealing with) this for a long, long time. I have Bob to come home to everyday and we really have a lot of fun. So thank you so much for being worried, but you can rest assured that I'm not laying around depressed all day. Well... maybe some days I am, but I'm pretty sure I fall within the normal range of people who spend the odd full day in their p.j.'s, eating cookies and drinking red wine. And those days really are few and far between. You know what I mean.

What I'm trying to say is that although I get sad and down, I'm ok. Yes, it's hard to be infertile and face the world with this very deep scar, fielding questions about when I'm finally going to start a family and how many kids Bob and I want, etc. etc. But I'm ok. I have a great husband. I spend quality time with my family often. I have A LOT of really good friends who make me laugh. I love my dog. I love my house and my neighbourhood. I really love my new job and my new office. Even though I have this *thing* that makes me feel blue, I really do have a lot of fantastic things in my life that I really wouldn't trade for anything. I've been shaped by my experiences, by my ups and downs. And I like the person who I've become. Infertility is a part of that person, and that's ok.

Even though I was sad this weekend, I was happy a lot of the time too. We watched Bob's little cousin play under-12 soccer, and giggled at some of the psycho soccer dads and the oh-so-serious flag person. We ate supper at McDonald's not once, but TWICE on Friday night and thought it was hilarious. We took Moonie for a beautiful walk by the river in the valley. We got to eat breakfast at our favourite breakfast place. I shared Dairy Queen with my Gramma, my Auntie and her family. We hung out at our friend's new house and celebrated his housewarming.

So things are good. Even though they're bad in some parts of my life, they're good in others. We are moving forward. We are carving the path of no regrets. We are committed to balance. We are good.

Thank you so much for the kind messages and the phone calls and all that jazz. You guys are great. No stress - we're gonna make it through. It will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end. =)

Listening to: Lou Reed - Walk on the Wild Side

Sunday Sadness

It's Sunday, I'm now 3 days late and still no period. What the eff is going on with my body right now? This never happens. Sigh. Must have something to do with all the hormones I've been on over the past few months - I went from being injected with super-make-a-baby hormones to super-not-make-a-baby hormones within a period of three months which seems to have left my body at a stand-off. I can feel that AF is just around the corner (and took a 2nd pregnancy test to determine if yesterday's was wrong - and nope - still not pregnant)... Last night I had the tell-tale signs of AF, including cramping and tightness and tiredness... I took a couple Tylenols and laid on a heating pad and when I woke up this morning, I was sure I'd have my period. Not a single sign. Not even a drop of spotting, which is weird for me.

It sucks.

When I woke up this morning one of my first tasks was to book an acupuncture appointment. I went online to the recommended website and reviewed a bit of info about the new clinic I'm about to get started with. One of the key philosophies that they have is that you need to prepare both physically and mentally for the IVF cycle ... getting your brain tuned in to the fact that your body is capable of creating and sustaining a life. I had a mini meltdown when I read this... this is something that I've been fighting hard against accepting. I totally agree that your mind and body are connected and that it's important that you have a positive attitude heading into this process, believing that it's achievable. But today it was just too much. I have a hard time accepting that it's a mind-blockage thing that has prevented me from getting pregnant. It's just too personal. It makes me feel so at fault for all of it. I've blogged about this before, so don't want to continue beating on the same drum, but it's just a feeling I'm having a hard time shaking. And it really makes me feel so crummy.

Guilt. It crept in again this morning and found a comfy spot to settle down. Guilt that my own thoughts have prevented my eggs from letting sperm penetrate them. Guilt that my own thoughts have created a hostile environment in my uterus. Guilt that my own thoughts cause my uterus lining to shed every month. Guilt that any chance of getting pregnant is being ruined by my subconscience.

The rational side of me knows that my brain is not sending subliminal messages to my uterus instructing it to dispel its contents every month. But when I read the acupuncture website, it made me feel like I'm going to have to go through some major emotional overhaul to allow my body to ever accept a baby. This just made me feel so sad. Like there is something seriously wrong with my emotional state.

I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I really did believe I could get and stay pregnant. But I think the website page made me feel so awful b/c it rang true. Because I really do fear that I can't get pregnant. That maybe it is my mind and thoughts that are keeping this from happening for me. That there is something that differentiates my mental stability compared to all the millions of other women in the world who can just easily get pregnant, making it impossible for me, of all people, to get pregnant.

I told Bob I was feeling low. He held my hand and patted my leg and comforted me by telling me that this time it is going to work. That IVF WILL work for us. That I will become a mom very soon. I stopped him by saying that it's never worked before, so why would it work now? He was just so reassuring, telling me that it's never worked before b/c we've never done IVF. He also reminded me that this time of the month is always the lowest I feel about my body's ability to make a baby and that in a couple days, I will be bright and sunny again.

It's just so hard. Today we went for brunch with an old friend from out of town and she asked us when we were going to have a baby. I was honest, but it was just so awkward. It's so painful. She could see the pain in my face, I know, but as usual, I brushed it aside and told her all the upsides to IVF. That we have an opportunity to have twins! That it's been a positive thing on our relationship, helping us evaluate what we want out of life and forming a solid bond between us. That being infertile has allowed us the opportunity to travel, to finish school, to be carefree. What I didn't tell her is how scared I am that it won't work, that the chances are only 50%, that it's going to cost us $12,000 and at the end of the day we have no guarantees. That we've been trying for 8 years with no luck. That all I really want is to be a mom and that no one can ever promise 100% that this will happen for me.

I hate how I feel about it all. I hate that today I am so low about it. I hate that I blame myself for all of it. I hate that I can't even be honest about my emotions to the people who love me so much. That I won't show fear or emotion in front of anyone. I hate that I'm afraid of being weak.

Man, it's tough.

Sorry for being so blue - I just need some strength this afternoon.

Listening to: Bob Marley - Three Little Birds (my favourite song - always makes me feel better!)

Opening my Heart to AF - come ON!

I saw this photo/quote combo today on one of my friend's Facebook updates and had these weird mixed feelings about it. I wanted to "like" it, but I was feeling this sort of "wah wah wah" (like the noise at the end of a bad joke ... not sure how to type it) feeling and thought I'd write a blog post instead of liking a status that was making me feel weird. I really, really wanted to like it, you know? It's such a nice thought ... that if we just open our hearts, everything that we'd ever hoped and dreamed about will just come rushing in. Meh - I've decided that this idea is a load of bull crap.

Like today for instance. I'm seriously opening my heart so big to getting my period (aka AF) asap (was due yesterday), but for whatever reason, my body is delaying itself. Bob was funny yesterday - he asked if I can just "hold it" like I can hold it when I have to go pee. This cracked me up - if only. But really - I have been fortunate over the past few years to be regular like clockwork, getting AF on Fridays. For people like me, i.e. those with endo, this is a godsend, b/c it means that I can either take the day off if I need to (b/c of the pain) right before the weekend on slower Fridays or tough it out and have the weekend to chillax. Here I am, Saturday morning, and AF is just taking her sweet ass time to get here. I know what you're thinking - that I might be pregnant. No, I'm not. I'm just late. I know this because I took a digital pregnancy test this morning and the two unmistakable little letters "N" and "O" showed up, with a negative sign beside them.

Another instance of opening my heart and having capacity and nothing is happening: I have opened my heart whole-heartedly to Bob cleaning up the back yard so that we can start getting ready for the summer solstice party we're having in 2 weeks. We have like 20 garbage bags back there from when he shingled the garage roof. Don't get me wrong, I'm super thankful that he shingled the roof (it looks great). But I really want a cozy back yard scene and really, 20 black garbage bags back there is killing the mood. Just sayin'.

And when it comes to infertility, let's face it. Our hearts are open. WIDE open. Ready. Waiting. We have capacity!!! Bob and I have structured our lives around this monumental event. We have good jobs. We have a house with extra space for little kiddies. We have nieces and nephews waiting to play with our babies. We've got extra time. We've travelled, we've saved money, we've settled down. We've relaxed. We've taken the hormones and the fistfuls of vitamins. We've prayed and we've let it go. We are as ready as we're ever gonna be.

Which leads me to say that my friend's uploaded picture is misguided. And it makes me feel better to say it's a load of horse shit. I know this post is coming off bitter, but really I'm not. It's just that I felt I needed to say something about it and didn't think Facebook was the appropriate medium for venting about my friend's innocent (but highly annoying) picture. And I'm PMS'ing. You know how it goes.

There - I feel better. Thanks friends! :)

Listening to: F**k You - Cee Lo Green (this is NOT representative of my feelings, I just love this song!!!)

Time Flies!

Wow. Time flies! And here I am again - back in blogger land. It's been nice to take a break and honestly, it was needed. So much has happened over the past couple of weeks (no - none of it pregnancy-related, but it's all good, no worries). Since the last time I wrote I have been transferred to a new office at work, I've been promoted to manager, I transferred service lines, I turned 32, Bob's grandfather passed away (so sad - we will miss him so much)... Moonie is finally out of heat(!), the grass has been growing out of control, the magpies are stealing my flower basket stuffing for their nests and overall, life is grand.

With all that said - I am on the verge of getting my period. Ohhh, the joys. At 4 dpo (days past ovulation), I was hopefully thinking that the insane cramps I was having one evening while walking Moonie was a sure sign of implantation. I mean, how perfect would that be - just on the verge of undergoing IVF, then poof! Pregnant! But as the days progressed and I started getting progressively testier, my back started getting progressively tighter, my abdomen more bloated and my cramps more pronounced, I have given up on my fantasies of an oh-so-lovely dream of fateful pregnancy and started preparing for the period that is about to bombard me this weekend.

Sigh. But really, it's all good. I mean, we are used to it and really, I was only about 5% hopeful that it would work naturally this month. The good news is that I'm equipped to deal with what my body is about to throw at me this weekend, and will use this as an opportunity to take advantage of my work benefit plan (i.e. massage therapy and finally getting into acupuncture) and an opportunity to lounge around the house on a heating pad in my p.j.'s. Not so bad.

The good news is that we are one month closer to IVF, which last time we checked, was slated to start around July 6th. One more month of hormone-less freedom. Of a couple glasses of wine. And of mentally preparing for the journey that we are just about to embark on. I've had the past month to gorge on the baby-less goodies of life (yummy but bad for me food, beer, coffee and late nights), but feel myself winding down to the simpler side of life, which includes early-to-bed nights, yoga, acupuncture, massage, lots of fruit, herbal tea... sounds so serene and quite lovely. Throw in some intense hormones urging my body to release 20 eggs at one time in about a month and the serenity of the next month will fly out the window.... ;)

Hard to believe that we're back to the countdown, where in a month I'll literally be sitting in this exact same spot typing about how I am about to embark on a pretty crazy cool ride of making a baby, the scientific way. :)

Listening to: The Lumineers - Hey Ho